The Feeling of Being Human
by Himitchen
Summary: Tadashi creates Haru, an AI created to help with patients having trouble expressing or demonstrating their own feelings. After dying in an accident, Tadashi leaves Haru and Baymax in the care of Hiro. Visiting his grave, Haru reminisces about their time together.


**Warning: Character death.**

 **Based on the song: Human by Ellie Goulding.**

* * *

 _I remember when you created me._

 _You had been working non-stop for God knows how long. Is it weird to mention God as the only God I met was you? Because that's what you were to me. You created me. I was yours. And I wanted that. I wanted to always be yours. But that couldn't be._

 _I knew it all along._

 _Humans are fragile beings. It was going to happen eventually, but why did it have to be so soon?_

 _Maybe God was jealous and He wanted you for himself._

 _I remember it all, you know? All of these attempt to make me function correctly._

 _On the first one I couldn't move, I was paralyzed._

 _On the tenth I couldn't see but I could hear you perfectly. The first thing I could hear was your voice and I loved it. I never told you that, I still wonder how you would have reacted if I had told you._

 _On the fifty-one... I'm still ashamed of that one. I still couldn't see and I hurt you and I was so sorry of that but I couldn't control myself, the emotions were too intense. You had to turn me off._

 _On the one hundred and twenty five I could finally see you. A hopeful young man._

 _You thought that I wasn't working correctly as I didn't move and you were disappointed, I could see how the lights in your eyes were dimming. The truth was that I was mesmerized by you and I didn't know how to react._

 _I saw you as you took a seat on a nearby chair and hid your face in your hands. I felt your frustration and I wanted to make it go away. Looking down at myself I noticed that I looked like you; two legs, two arms, two hands with five fingers on each hand. I was made in your image._

 _As I looked at my hands I tried to figure out how to make them react._

 _Nothing._

 _As your distress grew I tried harder._

 _They spasm and finally moved._

 _I wanted to see, to feel, the hope you had just minutes ago but I didn't know how you would react if I touched you._

 _Would you accept it? Would you push me away?_

 _Glancing at my legs I tried to lift myself from the chair I was on. My knees were weak._

 _I'm still not sure if it was because I didn't know how to use them or if it was because I was approaching you. I think it was the later as I still felt that every time I walked next to you._

 _Approaching you in shaking legs, I slowly reached a hand towards you, fearing that you would push me away. The room was too quiet; if I had a beating heart I think the sound of its beating would've resonated in the walls._

 _Coming closer I felt you becoming anxious, lost._

 _What you created didn't seem to work, so much time and effort wasted, time that you could have used in something else, something better, something useful._

 _And it hurt._

 _You didn't knew and I never told you, but those feelings hurt and knowing that I was the cause made it worse._

 _Finally reaching you, I touched your head._

 _The feeling of your hair against my palm was strange and new, but in fact everything was._

 _You became still and held your breath, I thought I had scared you but I didn't feel fear, just anticipation. I moved my hands towards your cheeks, the skin was soft and warm, and slowly lifted your face. Brown eyes stared at me and I couldn't help but stare back. I didn't said anything, I felt your hope starting to grow but it was still dim._

 _Just a small light in deep darkness. I wanted to see how bright it could become._

 _Gingerly touching your cheeks, I inspected your face, warm brown eyes, large nose, big ears._

 _You looked perfect to me and I never told you._

 _You stared at me amazed and I found myself in the same state._

 _I opened my mouth to speak but no sound came out and I tried again, your gaze was making me feel weird, everything was._

 _And finally, I could talk._

"Hello, what's my name?"

 _You stared at me unblinking for a moment, trying to make use of your voice._

"Y-your name is... Haru." _You said, not looking away from me._

 _Haru._

 _I had a name._

"My name is Haru, your emotional support and companion." _I tried, the words becoming easier as time passed._

 _You nodded avidly and spoke._ "Yes."

"What should I call you?"

 _I wanted to know. I needed to know._

"Tadashi. Just Tadashi."

"Tadashi." _I tried, savoring each syllable._

 _It was perfect._

* * *

 _Weeks passed and then I was human-like._

 _The previous skin now had a pinkish tone. A mass of long black hair was now on top of my head._

 _You wanted me to be as human-like as possible._

 _And you presented me to your friends._

 _They thought I was human._

 _It was an accomplishment._

 _And then you explained. You told them I was an AI._

 _They were shocked at first and thought that you were joking._

 _And I told them. I told them that I was created to help others with their emotions. That I felt what they were feeling._

 _They finally believed you._

* * *

 _You had a visit one day. An unpleasant one._

 _A man came in the Institute to check on everyone's works to see if there was something worthy to spend on. In other words, if there was something that could give him more money than he already had._

"And what does it do?" _He asked, not really interested._

"He is a companion of emotional support. To help with people who are mentally unstable." _You spoke, making emphasis on 'he'. You knew it bothered me but you didn't know why. The truth was that it was a reminder of my condition._

 _I wasn't human, as much as I'd wished to be._

"Ah? A robot that feels other's feelings?" _He scoffed and started groping me._ "It looks so real. Had you thought about making sex-bots?" _He said, gr_ ab _bing my face and testing the skin on my cheeks. I wanted to push him away. I felt repulsed and dirty._

 _I felt your anger flaring._ "Sir, you really shouldn't-"

"What are you talking about? It's a machine. It doesn't have feelings." _At that, I pushed him away as much as I could. I didn't have much strength and he was heavy._

"Of course I have. Right now I have a feeling called anger and disgust." _I said simply, smiling innocently._ "And I also have the urge to kick you in the balls but that's not a feeling, isn't it?" _I added tilting my head a little, looking thoughtfully._

"Haru!" _You chided, but I felt your amusement._ "Sir, I'm so sorry, I don't know where he learned that." _You knew very well where. GoGo wasn't the quietest on her opinions._

 _He left after that, clearly offended._

"I'm sorry, I should've kept quiet." _I was afraid that I had caused problems to you._

 _You just shook your head._ "He made you uncomfortable isn't it?"

"Yes." _I said, holding myself, trying to forget the way his hands were over me._

"Yeah, me too. He was weird." _You said, shrugging without a worry._

"You're not angry." _I spoke,_ "I ruined any possible deal with them but you're not angry."

"No, I'm not angry. Well maybe a little but at them. I told them and they just rubbed me off." _You said frowning._ "If they can't see how great you are then it's their loss."

 _You had so much trust in me. And at that moment I decided that I would do anything for you._

 _And only you._

* * *

 _One day, you brought a keyboard. You thought that it would be interesting how I would react._

 _Glancing at it, I was curious. I pressed the keys and the sounds flowed from the keys._

 _It was refreshing._

 _You just stared at me, speechless._

 _It was more than you expected. I wasn't made to create, but to feel._

 _And the feelings were enough._

 _Now, I use this same keyboard as a way out from the pain and emptiness I feel._

* * *

 _I was always looking at you when you talked with your friends._

 _I saw how she looked at you and it made me feel bad._

 _I wanted you for myself._

 _But I knew that that couldn't be done. I wasn't human but she was._

 _And she was perfect for you._

 _I was jealous but I never told you._

 _There is a human saying that states:_ "If you love something let it go".

 _Was it love what I felt for you or just adoration? You never explained how love felt, how can I know?_

 _Maybe I was just behaving like a child, jealous that they would take you away from me._

 _After all that's what I was, isn't it? I was slowly learning how to be human._

 _To feel what you felt._

* * *

 _When I met your brother I didn't know what to expect._

 _He had been getting into trouble for a while and you thought it would be best if you showed him this place._

 _And you were right. Your brother had a brilliant mind._

 _You two had so much in common but so many differences all the same._

 _I knew he was going to be great one day._

 _You knew it too._

* * *

 _That day was the worst of my existence._

 _At first I was confused, I was shocked awake as I felt the emotions around. They were too strong. The strongest I had felt since that day you created me._

 _If your hope was light then this was a wildfire consuming everything on its path._

 _I glanced around finding the source of those emotions and saw Hiro, dressed in black, staring at a picture in his hands._

"Hiro. You're distressed." _I told him, worried and then glanced around the room, not seeing you anywhere._ "Where's Tadashi? He should be there by now." _I couldn't feel you._

"He... he is dead." _He mumbled._

"Dead...?" _I didn't want to believe that._ "Is there a way to fix him?" _There had to be something, right?_

"No. He's dead. He's gone." _He said forcefully and turned away from me._

"Gone..." _I whispered._ "He's gone." _I had to get used to the idea of not seeing you anymore._ "He's gone."

 _And then I was in his care along with Baymax, my 'brother'._

 _It wasn't the same._

* * *

 _A week passed. I was still waiting for you to come back._

 _I went to see your grave._

"Tadashi... why didn't you take me with you?" _I said in front of your grave._ "Did I do something wrong?"

"Why did you create me? Was it really to help others?" _I questioned, making question after question._ "How could I help others if I can't even help myself?" _I mumbled, feeling lost._

"I feel... awful, desperate. I feel like crying but that's impossible as you didn't incorporated lacrimal glands. Why create a robot with feelings and not teach it how to control them? I don't understand." _I said emotionlessly._

 _Feeling has become tiresome, painful._

 _Everything was harder now._

 _I couldn't see you, I couldn't feel you, Hiro didn't want to talk and kept himself locked in his room._

"I will help Hiro in any way I can because that's what you would've wanted and he needs someone. Even if he doesn't want to admit it."

 _And then I accepted that you won't be coming back anymore._

 _As the months passed, I kept coming back to this cold place to talk with you. I knew I was only talking to a stone on the ground but it helped._

 _I felt that I belonged here, with you._

And now I'm here, after many years of that awful day. It's winter but I don't mind the cold. Hiro would have fussed over me as I didn't have a coat on but he didn't know I was here.

"It looks like it's going to rain." I said distractedly, not caring at all.

I placed fresh flowers after I cleaned your grave as always.

"I did as I promised. Hiro is already a man. I'm sure he is going to make great things and I am sure you are proud of him."

"It still hurts not seeing you around. I'd wish I could cry." I snorted. "A robot that can cry..." I shook my head and continued talking. I didn't like the silence, it was a reminder that you aren't here and I wanted to remain ignorant.

"Some people said that you are in heaven with God and that that place is much better than here..." I trailed off. "Is it wrong to hate God? I felt like He took you from us."

"I miss you and I want to see you. I feel lost ever since... I don't know how to feel anymore." I told your grave.

And then something occurred to me.

"I... I wasn't feeling my own emotions, isn't it? All of these times. I was feeling yours."

"Why?" I understood now. All these times of confusion when I was assaulted with strange feelings.

My feelings were attuned with yours.

What you felt, I felt.

Your confusion, your hope, your happiness...

Your love.

"You felt love for me." I murmured, amazed.

Something broke then.

I felt something in my face and I lifted a hand to see what it was.

It was a drop. Clear liquid was flowing from my eyes.

I was crying.

It was like a dam and I couldn't stop.

I didn't want it to stop.

"Who would have thought," I said shakily, staring at the tears falling to the ground, "a robot that cries."

"I feel... relief." I whispered closing my eyes. I simply enjoyed the relief washing over me. "Finally."

I belong here.

* * *

A group was in front of the café. The tension in the air was too much.

Hiro quickly approached them and asked frantically. "Did anyone found him?"

"No, and we looked everywhere."

"Clearly we didn't!" Hiro exclaimed, tossing his hair in his frustration.

Honey stared at him worriedly. "We looked at the café, the Institute, the library, where else could we look?" She said, naming the places he used to usually frequent.

He exhaled trying to think. "I don't know...maybe," He trailed off and he knew. "the cemetery."

* * *

They found him curled next to Tadashi's grave. In his face there were stains of oil that ran down his cheeks as if he was crying. A malfunction, seemingly, at being exposed to the rain and the cold climate.

He laid motionless.

Dead.

What surprised them was the sweet smile adorning his face.

A smile full of love and adoration. A smile he stopped showing after that day.

The same smile he always had when he looked at Tadashi.


End file.
